I want to thank you all for your out-pouring of support in comments, emails and phonecalls for something you have no information about. I guess I momentarily forgot how many friends I have who would be concerned about the statement I made yesterday. I also thank you for not pushing me for information and offering your support without question...it means an enormous amount to me.
However, I guess it was unfair to be so cryptic and whilst, I'm not ready for any conversations on this topic, I will explain myself properly.
Many of you know the first part of this story, but I have included it for the benefit of those who don't.
In November 2005, I was contacted online by an American named Alex. He stated that he was a widower and living in Melbourne on business. We struck up an email friendship and met about a month later. It was a pleasurable meeting and we 'connected'.
His work took him overseas regularly and he always went home to his father and sister at Christmas time, so during this time, we communicated by email and shared much about our lives. I learned that he had tragically lost his wife, Tammy, in a car accident in Germany on October 26 1999.
We met for our first 'date' the day after he returned from his Christmas/New Year holiday, on Janurary 10th. We enjoyed a lovely dinner and talk turned to the circumstances of his wife's death and he mentioned that he had "lost a lot more than his wife in that accident". I presumed he meant his confidence or will to live etc but, after some gentle probing by me, he revealed that he had also lost his 9 year old son and 3 year old daughter. He said that the children had died instantly and that his wife had died 2 days later.
Alex and I were inseparable (apart from his overseas jaunts) from that point on. We became very close and he admitted, a few weeks down the track, that his name was not really Alex but, in fact, Montgomery Hong. I asked why he had called himself Alex and he said that, after the death of his beloved wife, he couldn't bear for another woman to call him Monte so had taken the pseudonym, Alex. He said I could call him Monte if I liked but I knew him as Alex and it sounded odd.
Life went on and I realised I had finally found the person I was looking for. I had found a sense of peace with the beautiful man who I loved with all my heart and who, I felt , loved me the same way in return.
Yes, there were a few times I questioned some small inconsistencies but was convinced by myself, friends or Alex himself that I was being paranoid and I was always offered a plausible rationale.
Alex became an central part of my family. For all intense purposes we lived together and he was completely connected to my life for social and any other occasion. We became Alex and Pam, not just Pam and bring along Alex or visa versa but the couple.
We talked about our future and agreed that we wanted to be together forever.
Initially, Alex wasn't able to look at pictures of his children without overwhelming grief but, as time went on, he was willing to display some on the shelves and wall. His children were beautiful and in solitary moments, standing looking at these pictures, I occasionally found myself sad and crying at their cruel fate being taken so young.
Fast forward 22 wonderful months to this week.
As you know, on Monday I dropped my hard drive and I've been working on ways to recover the files. As in yesterday's post, you know I was able to recover some. Some that I expected and some, as mentioned that I hadn't.
As I had used Alex's CF card, I was trying to recover files off that too. I was surprised to see a whole group of photos dated 25/9/07 as he hadn't mentioned taking any while away. As the thumbnails came up, I could make out that they were of children at school or something. Perplexed, I waited for the recovery process to complete and viewed the first file full size. I was stunned to see the face from the pictures hanging on his wall looking back at me. My brain was running at a million miles an hour and I thought maybe the date was wrong and these were old photos. Further checking showed that this child was celebrating her 5th birthday and Alex had said Sophia died when she was 3. I looked and looked hoping that I could confirm that this was not Sophia but when the birthday cake photo showed "Happy 5th birthday Sophia" I was overwhelmed with nausea and a sense of complete horror at the realisation of what I was looking at.
I rang dear Wendy in a panic. Grief stricken, I babbled what I had found. She told me to contact Alex and ask him to come home.
I did but he couldn't so I asked him other questions and he initially denied the truth. Absolutely, shattered, I packed my belongings to move out of his apartment. Lovely Pete dropped by to make sure I was OK and give me a hug. I still couldn't believe it.
It's not necessary to go into all the other details but, suffice to say that Alex finally admitted the truth - his wife and children are alive and well and living in Singapore.
I know at this point, that many of you will be using many expletives to describe what an awful person Alex is. This is one of the reasons I can't talk to anyone at the moment.
Alex is a decent person, he has to be for us to have shared what we have and I truly believe his love for me was genuine. He admits that he lied from the start and that one lie made another necessary until he had dug a hole so deep he couldn't get out.
I can understand this. Don't get me wrong, I don't condone it in any way shape or form and he has to be held accountable for his choices and actions.
I was however brought up in a family and faith that is forgiving and I do believe that every person deserves a second chance, a chance to redeem themselves. Whether that chance comes with me or with his family is for Alex to decide. I have no control over that.
His wife Tammy knows and has contacted me. I told Alex that his family deserved the truth and had to know - he agreed that that should happen. I sent her a letter by fax and she responded. Truthfully, Alex would have preferred to tell her in person but, at the time of me sending the letter, I wasn't convinced that he would and couldn't bear that another person was being forced to live a lie. I wanted to give her the information and how she used it was her business. There was no malice intended toward anyone.
I don't know how I will face my life without the man I love with all my heart and soul. The utter devestation and grief I feel is as if Alex has died. In a way I guess he has. The life I believed to be real is not and I have no idea how to recover from that.
I need to be by myself for the moment and find communicating with anyone about this very difficult. I hope you all understand that and know that I do appreciate your support and that, when I am ready, know you will catch me.
It has been extremely difficult writing this and really is all I can manage at the moment. There really isn't anything that anyone can say that can lessen the pain I feel - this is something I must get through on my own.