Peejay's Ponderings

Mind all over the place

Not sure what I am doing or thinking atm but found this and, although it has no relevance to anything, just wanted to share it somewhere.

"Someone told me that an Indian story tells that we all go to heaven, but when we get there, there is a bridge, and before we can cross we have to be judged by every animal we have encountered in our lives."

It came from this post and a comment on this blog http://whichendbites.blogspot.com/2007/09/90-minutes.html  see the comment here http://inspectorgadget.wordpress.com/2007/09/28/a-bridge-over-troubled-water/

Why?

I want to thank you all for your out-pouring of support in comments, emails and phonecalls for something you have no information about.   I guess I momentarily forgot how many friends I have who would be concerned about the statement I made yesterday.  I also thank you for not pushing me for information and offering your support without question...it means an enormous amount to me.

However, I guess it was unfair to be so cryptic and whilst, I'm not ready for any conversations on this topic, I will explain myself properly. 

Many of you know the first part of this story, but I have included it for the benefit of those who don't.

In November 2005, I was contacted online by an American named Alex.   He stated that he was a widower and living in Melbourne on business.   We struck up an email friendship and met about a month later.   It was a pleasurable meeting and we 'connected'. 

His work took him overseas regularly and he always went home to his father and sister at Christmas time, so during this time, we communicated by email and shared much about our lives.   I learned that he had tragically lost his wife, Tammy, in a car accident in Germany on October 26 1999.

We met for our first 'date' the day after he returned from his Christmas/New Year holiday, on Janurary 10th.   We enjoyed a lovely dinner and talk turned to the circumstances of his wife's death and he mentioned that he had "lost a lot more than his wife in that accident".  I presumed he meant his confidence or will to live etc but, after some gentle probing by me, he revealed that he had also lost his 9 year old son and 3 year old daughter.  He said that the children had died instantly and that his wife had died 2 days later.

Alex and I were inseparable (apart from his overseas jaunts) from that point on.  We became very close and he admitted, a few weeks down the track, that his name was not really Alex but, in fact, Montgomery Hong.   I asked why he had called himself Alex and he said that, after the death of his beloved wife, he couldn't bear for another woman to call him Monte so had taken the pseudonym, Alex.  He said I could call him Monte if I liked but I knew him as Alex and it sounded odd.

Life went on and I realised I had finally found the person I was looking for.   I had found a sense of peace with the beautiful man who I loved with all my heart and who, I felt , loved me the same way in return.

Yes, there were a few times I questioned some small inconsistencies but was convinced by myself, friends or Alex himself that I was being paranoid and I was always offered a plausible rationale.

Alex became an central part of my family.   For all intense purposes we lived together and he was completely connected to my life for social and any other occasion.  We became Alex and Pam, not just Pam and bring along Alex or visa versa but the couple.   

We talked about our future and agreed that we wanted to be together forever.

Initially, Alex wasn't able to look at pictures of his children without overwhelming grief but, as time went on, he was willing to display some on the shelves and wall.   His children were beautiful and in solitary moments, standing looking at these pictures,  I occasionally found myself sad and crying at their cruel fate being taken so young.

Fast forward 22 wonderful months to this week.

As you know, on Monday I dropped my hard drive and I've been working on ways to recover the files.   As in yesterday's post, you know I was able to recover some.  Some that I expected and some, as mentioned that I hadn't.

As I had used Alex's CF card, I was trying to recover files off that too.   I was surprised to see a whole group of photos dated 25/9/07 as he hadn't mentioned taking any while away.   As the thumbnails came up, I could make out that they were of children at school or something.   Perplexed, I waited for the recovery process to complete and viewed the first file full size.  I was stunned to see the face from the pictures hanging on his wall looking back at me.  My brain was running at a million miles an hour and I thought maybe the date was wrong and these were old photos.    Further checking showed that this child was celebrating her 5th birthday and Alex had said Sophia died when she was 3.  I looked and looked hoping that I could confirm that this was not Sophia but when the birthday cake photo showed "Happy 5th birthday Sophia"  I was overwhelmed with nausea and a sense of complete horror at the realisation of what I was looking at.   

I rang dear Wendy in a panic.  Grief stricken, I babbled what I had found.   She told me to contact Alex and ask him to come home.

I did but he couldn't so I asked him other questions and he initially denied the truth.   Absolutely, shattered, I packed my belongings to move out of his apartment.  Lovely Pete dropped by to make sure I was OK and give me a hug.   I still couldn't believe it.

It's not necessary to go into all the other details but, suffice to say that Alex finally admitted the truth - his wife and children are alive and well and living in Singapore.

I know at this point, that many of you will be using many expletives to describe what an awful person Alex is.   This is one of the reasons I can't talk to anyone at the moment.

Alex is a decent person, he has to be for us to have shared what we have and I truly believe his love for me was genuine.   He admits that he lied from the start and that one lie made another necessary until he had dug a hole so deep he couldn't get out.

I can understand this.  Don't get me wrong, I don't condone it in any way shape or form and he has to be held accountable for his choices and actions.

I was however brought up in a family and faith that is forgiving and I do believe that every person deserves a second chance, a chance to redeem themselves.  Whether that chance comes with me or with his family is for Alex to decide.  I have no control over that.

His wife Tammy knows and has contacted me.    I told Alex that his family deserved the truth and had to know - he agreed that that should happen.   I sent her a letter by fax and she responded.  Truthfully, Alex would have preferred to tell her in person but, at the time of me sending the letter, I wasn't convinced that he would and couldn't bear that another person was being forced to live a lie.   I wanted to give her the information and how she used it was her business.  There was no malice intended toward anyone.

I don't know how I will face my life without the man I love with all my heart and soul.  The utter devestation and grief I feel is as if Alex has died.  In a way I guess he has.  The life I believed to be real is not and I have no idea how to recover from that.

I need to be by myself for the moment and find communicating with anyone about this very difficult.  I hope you all understand that and know that I do appreciate your support and that, when I am ready, know you will catch me.

It has been extremely difficult writing this and really is all I can manage at the moment.  There really isn't anything that anyone can say that can lessen the pain I feel - this is something I must get through on my own.

Good and Bad

Some good news...

After Jodii's comment, I purchased some downloadable software and was able to recover some of the photos from my CF cards.  Unfortunately, I didn't get all that I wanted but I did manage to retrieve some of the originals from the photoshoot I did of Ted and his cars. 

I also retreived some photos that I was not expecting.

Alex took the 160g hard drive to a colleague to see what he could do but I'm not hopeful of an affordable outcome.  Raylene, the smaller hardrives can be recovered for around  $100 - $300.  A place I rang in St Kilda does them.  The larger drives are a different matter.  Although if you didn't drop it and it's not a mechanical issue, there are software programs that may help.  Karin S has one so maybe give her a call.

The bad news is that something devestating has happened in my life which I can't even share because, to do so, makes in undeniably real and I'm not quite ready for the harsh reality yet.  Basically, it means that if I'm not around much/at all for awhile there is a reason. 

I'm just taking it minute by minute at this stage and barely managing to hold it together.   I know I'm a strong person and that, eventually, I'll be OK again but, even strong people can fall apart and be completely crushed.  They just manage a little better than others to pull back the pieces...eventually.   

For those of you who know me, don't worry, I'll be fine and don't be ringing each other asking questions because I haven't shared my pain with anyone yet.  I just need to get my own head around it first.  Sorry to be so cryptic.

Bye for now.

Disaster

I have been flat out for the last 4 days taking photographs to use on my new website.   I want to achieve a certain "look" for my business and that's what I've been working on.   

After my external hard-drive near disaster a few months ago, I have been very careful with how I store my photos.   Usually, I download to one area and then transfer to my working drive and then back up the edited final selections - again to the hard drive and then, eventually, to DVD when I have enough gig.

In the past few weeks, I haven't done that because I've been so busy.  I started importing the files straight to my working drive and then thought I'd transfer them all over to disk when I'd culled and edited.

Over the weekend, I uploaded/imported all the files from the CF card and then reformatted it ready for the next shoot.   Was trying to be extra organised.   Then, on Sunday, after a busy day shooting, I about to upload the last few photos I'd taken and set up on Wendy's kitchen table.   

Not two minutes after I did that, Pete arrived home with Pizza for dinner and I decided to move my laptop off the table.   My portable hard drive was attached and..................crash, it went flying off it's attachment and slammed into her tiled floor.   

Gone........................all my work is gone.

I've rung about 4 different places to try and recover the data and IF they can, I've been quoted between $2000 and $3400 for the pleasure.

Not only are the originals of the shoots I've been working on  gone, but so are the original images of Ted and his beautiful old cars that I was doing for one of my assignments at school.  Luckily, I have the jpgs of them because I'd transferred them to my computer to upload for printing but  I can't edit them anymore without image quality deterioration.

Basically, I've completely lost 3 whole shoots I did on Friday and Saturday.   I did manage to transfer a whole 5 of the one I did on Friday because I had started playing with them but I can't get the colour original back of this one which was beautiful.   *sigh*

The others that I saved have all been edited and, whilst they are OK, they were only preliminary edits and not exactly what I was looking for but they are jpgs so I can't do anything else with them now (anothe *sigh*).

My new routine, regardless of how busy I am will be to upload originals from card to computer and CD/DVD, then COPY these to working drive so that if any disasaster happens, I can always return to the originals.

I know they say you have to make your own mistakes but PLEASE learn from mine and always back up  your originals to a secondary source.

Some of the other shots - more to come later on

    

1,2,3,4...

I've been busy as a bee lately and have a bit to tell you and show you but no time tonight.

I hope this works. I hardly ever watch TV but I always stop for the new iPod commercial. I love this catchy tune and really cool video clip by Feist.

What's in a name

Well, a bloody lot I can tell you!

As mentioned previously, I had my first attempt at registering the new name for my business rejected.  I had researched everything...or so I thought but it didn't get through.  So, I did it again with around 100 more names.  Do you know how hard it is coming up with a business name?????  OMG!

So many things had to align.  Noone else could have a similar business name OR company name and I needed to have both .com.au and .com addresses.    I would search the Australian business registers first and get all excited only to be completely deflated when the domain names weren't available ( I did find some fantastic - and bloody awful - sites out there though in my quest.    I finally gave up on English and resorted to Latin.  Yep...my business has a latin name. 

Drum roll please.....................................................................................

Here's the draft business card just to start (click on it to see it bigger)

as you can see, that isn't my real phone number.  Getting a dedicated number is still on my list of things to do.

Aduro is latin for "light" which I thought very appropriate for what I love about good photography.  So that's it.

Oh, BTW, it looks like I've got my very first paying job set up too.    Lots more work to do though so I best be off to it.

Cheers

PS.  I have registered the domain names too but won't be uploading the site until it is what I want, so you will have to wait a while for that :)

Lighting Workshop

I am absolutely exhausted after a full on weekend lighting workshop with school (PSC).

We learned about so many different ways of lighting subjects and, funnily enough, many of them so simple.  I've avoided using flash in the past and certainly don't typically use it when outside during the day but that is about to change.

I get together with some of my classmates every fortnight in the studio (we've just started recently) and can't wait for this Tuesday to put some of what we learned into practice.

Am hoping to get a new name registered for my photography business tomorrow.   Went to consumer affairs on Friday armed with my application and , bugger....I wasn't allowed to have the name.   It's not easy to think of a name you know...anyway, I've designed some stationery with the new name but won't show you until I actually get it registered...if, I get it.

I did have my name own name registered for the business but have decided not to use that.  We'll have to wait and see what happens.

Well, I'm off to bed utterly exhausted but with a brain fit to burst with new information.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Rats, Cars, Finals and the Ferry

Fair warning at the beginning of this post. There are quite a few pictures to share so I've put them in slide shows which means you will have to be patient while they load. Go and grab a drink and a bikkie while they organise themselves.

OK here we go...

I think the last animated movie I saw was Happy Feet. Animation has come such a long way since I was a kid (ohhhhh sooooo long ago) and Alex and I decided to give Ratatouille a look.

I was surprised to see the cinema quite full with not a child in sight. The animation is so lifelike and the movie is very funny (although I will admit that the man in the middle of the cinema who kept bursting into fits or hilarious laughter got the rest of the audience going too - nothing quite so contagious as laughter).

Saturday turned out to be quite a busy day for me. I had my regular chiro appointment in the morning and had organised a photoshoot with Ted and his cars for the afternoon. Tony, a friend from PSC was coming as well to take some shots.

Ted loves to show off his cars and he even took us for a spin around the block in the most beautiful machine. I don't know all the technical stuff about them (thank goodness Tony had a bit of an idea) but I know they are old, cherished and beautiful (wouldn't it be nice to use that description about all old things - including humans?).

Ted is obviously a bit of a legend around his neighbourhood and it was lovely to see young and old alike waving hello with obvious affection. I'm sure they are used to seeing strangers in the neighbourhood with Ted because his cars have attracted the attention of lots of people including movie producers who are looking at one of them to include in a WW2 movie set in Melbourne.

Here are some of the images from that shoot. They are all in BW because that is what I have to do for my assessment folio. Truth be known, they look great either way though.

Back to the apartment to get ready for the football.

After eating we walked over to the MCG. It was a beautiful night, quite balmy really. When we arrived at the MCG, I popped over to the merchandise van while Alex took some photos. I was trying to buy a magpies scarf, however, a feral woman from Kath and Kim country (that would be Wendy) tried her damndest to stop me making my purchases. The poor guy behind the counter must have wondered what the hell was going on as I was fighting this lunatic off who kept putting her hand over my mouth whilst trying to drag me away. Too bad though, because I got what I wanted - two scarves and a cap - so that Alex and I could be proper supporters for the best team...woo hoo!

We get to our entry gate and in we go. Great seats, right behind the goal posts...but hang on a minute...what's this???? You wouldn't believe it, but Pete's done it AGAIN - bought tickets right, smack bang in the middle of the opposition. ROFL. I was PIMP laughing. A couple of Swans supporters in the midst of the enemy.

Needless to say, I had a great night. The Collingwood Cheer Squad certainly seem to uphold the 'working class' roots of the Club. Their leader, Joffre (Joffa, Joffer - not sure how you'd spell it) is a character and a half. When he thinks the team is going to win, he dons a gold hat and coat with 'Game Over' emblazoned on the back. I thought he was a bit cheeky putting it on so early in the 4th quarter but it seems he was right on the money.

It was funny when Eddie McGuire appeared at the back of our section. The whole crowd were chanting "Eddie, Eddie". I felt sorry for the poor buggers slogging it out on the field.

Alex and I actually managed to get a Collingwood scarf around Wendy's neck but she just won't use her common sense and discard that awful red and white one she persists in wearing LOL.

As we were walking back to the apartment, Wendy and Pete finally saw the light and were fighting so hard over who was going to get my scarf to wear that they nearly strangled me in their attempt.

Even the buskers knew which side to be on. As we walked past some guy playing the recorder (remember two in Swans gear and two in Magpies gear) he chose to play the Collingwood theme song. Poor Wendy couldn't believe it.

I slept like a log on Saturday night and woke on Sunday to a lovely day and hoping to take some pics.

I rang Wendy and we decided to meet at Sorrento and take the ferry over to Queenscliff for something to do. When we finally got to Sorrento, who should get out of the car but Rach. It was great to see her and we spent a lovely afternoon together. Of course, I've determined that the physical age of a person has nothing to do with their behavioural age because when Pete and Alex get together it's all high fives and 10 year old carry on. It's funny though.

Once we got to Queenscliff, Alex suggested we catch a covered wagon into town. We boarded said wagon which was drawn by two beautiful 'girls' (crosses between a pony and a draught horse). They are obviously loved because their owner didn't even raise his voice (or any whip) to them but asked them nicely to do what he wanted and, being good girls, they complied.

Queenscliff is a very pretty town and Alex wants to head back with the car one day to do some more exploring.

Catch up

I've hardly been near the computer this past week with so much on.   

During the week after my birthday, I decided it was time to take on the development of my photography business seriously.   My doctors are not optimistic about my long term ability to continue as a paramedic because of the degeneration of my spine so I really need to look at my alternatives.

I could return to teaching, which I love, but the drop in pay and the politics (not to mention that teachers are responsible for all the world's ills and are required to pander to all parents individual quirks for their children whether it's that they don't eat their lunch or can't behave) doesn't really appeal to me.  Don't get me wrong, I love working with kids  but sometimes, just sometimes, the excuses that parents will come up with to absolve their children and themselves of any responsibility or accountablility for inappropriate behaviour or decisions  pisses me right off.  I remember once, a child in my class came to show and tell and relayed a story about how he and his much older brothers broke into a local scout hall and smashed it to pieces.  He was quite proud of himself and I had to stop him mid show and tell and then explain to the rest of the class how inappropriate (and illegal his behaviour was).  I spoke to the mother and she laughed and said that she couldn't control what the older boys did and "boys will be boys after all".  Please keep in mind this child was in grade 1!

On top of this, it disappoints me no end that teachers have such huge expectations on them out  of the classroom with training, meetings, administration and so many committees  that it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to focus on the classroom.   This is what turns me off the most.  I couldn't give a fat rat's about chairing this committee or that for professional development and  being 'seen' to progress.   As far as I'm concerned, my success as a teacher should be about the kids and what they learn.   Doing that properly takes an enormous amount of work on it's own and shouldn't have become of secondary importance because of the beauracratic expectations which are all for show.

Off my soap box now.....

Photography is what I love and I think I can compete in the marketplace so that's where I'm headed.   i've had a few confidence issues but, after some discussions with some wonderful friends and other photographers, I'm starting to take myself seriously.

So, with a view to developing my business properly, I went to a marketing seminar on Saturday.   The lovely Alex came along and was brilliant - I actually learned a lot about what he does as a consultant too as an added bonus.   Did I mention he is a VERY smart man?   Amazing actually. 

Anyway, whilst the marketing principals were all very valid, it turned out that the seminar was more of a vehicle for Peter Sun and his Better Business Institute to get more licencees for his consultancy and business product empire.    It actually seems a good idea, however, the hard sell to purchase a license at the meagre sum of $65000 put me off a bit.   I explored the idea enthusiastically but was put off by the rush to sign papers without sufficient time to study everything or evaluate the actual product or system so that I could determine whether I could make it a success.   Of course, there were hundreds of testimonials given but $65000 is a big investment for me  to make (my house at risk basically) based solely on testimonials.   I've decided against it.

When I advised  the consultant, she  wasn't very happy and was insulting with her comment of "the brain just looks for ways for it not to work".  I told her that was unfair and queried why she thought it was unreasonable for me to need more time.  Did  they really think it was reasonable to ask a person to make a $65000 investment in 3 days with no specific information?   No answer of course.  I  also explained that it disturbed me that she had ignored my requests for access to the products and consultants as was my original intention when visiting the seminar.    It only reinforced that the seminar was about getting licencees.

She half-heartedly said she would refer me to a consultant and we left it there.

After the seminar on Saturday, we went to Karin's birthday in Narre Warren.  OMG (no offence at all Karin) this is absolutely Kath and Kim country.   Alex was introduced to suburban Australia at it's best.  We had an absolute ball...thanks Karin.

Karin has blue tongued lizards as pets and, I've discovered that Alex doesn't like lizards and wasn't at all pleased when I approached him with one climbing up my arm.     He  wasn't too keen on the idea of one on the loose in the house either LOL.

On Monday, my brother Malcolm and his wife Rosemaree left for their first overseas holiday.   They headed for 41days in the US.   They are hoping to find work and live there forever.   Considering that it is the first time my brother has been out of Victoria (apart from driving over  the border once when we were kids - not sure that he's done that since) and his very first time on a plane, it's a huge decision for them.   Rosemaree is new to blogging and is doing a wonderful job o their blog I set up for them so we can keep track of them while they are away.  I hope they have a wonderful time.

On Tuesday night, some of my class mates from PSC and I got together at a friends house with my studio gear and had a session.    We had a great time and it was very encouraging to get that peer feedback and learn new stuff together.   We are going to make it a regular fortnightly event.

Here are some of our effort from this session.   We'll improve as we go along.   Get that lighting right hopefully.  Playing with split toning in sepia and selenium tones in Lightroom as well.  Loving Lightroom.

Tuesday, during the day, I  went to see a patient that we picked up ages ago.   You might remember my story about Ted and Mary.  Ted restores old cars and has quite a few beautiful machines that he proudly displayed for the tribe of ambos and firies that visited him one Sunday.

He has agreed for me to visit him on Saturday to take some shots for one of my folios.   One of the other guys from the course is going to come with me and take some shots as well.   Cross your fingers that we get good results.

On Saturday, we hope to see Wendy and Pete after the Sydney Swans vs Collingwood game so that I can rub in Collingwood's victory (of course they'll win).

Sunday it's supposed to rain and I sure hope it does.  As much as I'm enjoying this gorgeous weather, we desperately need the rain so I won't complain if it pours down.  Will just have to find inside activities to amuse me.

Did I mention that it was Courtney's birthday on Aug 29th and that she went to Queensland for the weekend to enjoy the sunshine?   Anyway, she had a ball.   

   

What a weekend

Who's a lucky princess then?

What a birthday weekend I had.

First of all, let me tell you the birthday rules in our family (I'm very into sharing rules with you at the moment aren't I?)

1.  On your birthday you can do anything you want to...as long as it's not illegal or hurtful.

2.  If your birthday is on the a Friday or Saturday, you get to have a birthday weekend - not just one day.

So, as my birthday was on Saturday, I took full advantage of the rules.

When I woke up on Saturday morning, I didn't want to get out of bed straight away, so, given rule #1, I took the pillow from under Alex's snoozing head to make myself more comfortable as I sat up.  He started to protest but I just quietly reminded him of the birthday rules and he complied.

Then it was off to a regular appointment at the chiropractor before heading over to Highpoint for a light lunch and a shoe purchase.

During the week, Alex had revealed one of his gifts to me was 2 1/2 hrs at a spa from 2.30pm on Saturday.  I haven't been to a spa before (well I went to a sort of spa in China but it was kind of like comparing the Vic Market and Tiffany's for jewellery purchases) so didn't really know what to expect and was a little bit nervous.

At 2.15pm, we fronted up at reception of the Chuan Spa that is situated on the 9th floor of the Langham Hotel in Southbank.   Alex paid the $400 (no typo - that's how much it was for my 2 hour treatment) and then left me all by my lonesome.   

I was given a robe and slippers and led to the changeroom / bathroom (which was so luxurious, I could happily have spent the afternoon in there) to prepare for my treatment.  I then sat in the 'waiting area' which was so far removed from any waiting area I've ever been in before that it's hard to imagine.  Sheer organza curtains in rich earthy tones with a luxurious, plush chaise lounge to relax on, coffee table with water feature and soft, relaxing music to begin your journey to heaven.

A tiny girl of about 12 (well she looked so young and I can't be that old that something that cute could actually be an adult) came to collect me for my treatment.   Jessica informed me, very sweetly, that she would be looking after me for the afternoon and led me off to a beautiful room decorated similarly to the waiting area but with a massage table in the centre and shower off to the side.  Again, the sound of running water from the water feature and beautiful piped music added to the tranquility.

My treatment began with a full body exfoliation then application of an algae mud before being wrapped in plastic (reminiscent of Twin Peaks - for those who remember it).   while I was 'cooking', Jessica did a facial, which I've never had before and was wonderful.   Next came the hair mask and a scalp massage - I was definitely in heaven.

After washing it off and feeling as soft as a baby, it was time for a full body massage.

When it was all finished, I could gladly have curled up in bed and slept for the rest of the day but I had other birthday activities to attend to.

I got back to the apartment in time to get ready to go to dinner that Alex had organised.

I enjoyed the company of family and a few friends at Miyako for a teppanyaki dinner.   It was great fun and a beautiful meal.  I received some lovely gifts from Wendy and money from my family to spoil myself with a manicure and pedicure.  Alex is also getting me another lens for my camera. 

The next part of the plan was to go to Crown and shoot each other in laser challenge for some fun.   Unfortunately, we stopped on the way to listen to my favourite buskers and missed our booking time.   Actually, it wasn't such a bad thing because the place was full of loud teenagers so we opted for the more adult pastime of dessert from Cafe Greco.   We took our dessert back to the apartment and filled whatever space happened to be left after dinner with the decadent food combining it with good conversation and great company.

On Sunday, we brought Marc back home to Wallan, ate lunch outside and then spent the afternoon on the deck enjoying the beautiful weather at the 'country estate' as Alex refers to it.

All in all, it was a great weekend.